This last incident has convinced me that I will never do chemo again. I can not tell you how happy that makes me. I will never have to have those side effects again, well, except for the permanent damage of neuropathy. I will never have to watch poison drip into my body again. I will never have to fight chemo sores in my mouth again or feel the yucky feeling in my throat one chemo gave me or wear winter gloves to reach into the fridge, or wear and sleep with the chemo pump for 46 hrs straight that delivers a wicked poison to your body, or fight the fatigue or the nausea or watch my hair fall out......
I really feel that if it was my time to go I would have gone when all this happened. The question is why did I feel peace when I prayed about doing this last heavier chemo the first part of August? Maybe this was supposed to happen ????? Maybe there was a reason several people at the oncology clinic missed that I was on a downward decline to DKA ????? In the end too much chemo will kill you. Most people know that. Chemo kills off the worker bees but it does not kill off the queen bee.. She (a cancer stem cell herself) gets angry and makes more cancer stem cells when her worker bees are killed off. Eventually the chemo no longer works and the effects are deadly. While I was in the hospital we consulted with a wonderful Hospice Doctor. I asked her what is the difference between dying from chemo and dying from cancer. Other than the pain people suffer from cancer (I have no pain still) dying from cancer sounds preferable.
I am still not sure what the Lord's plan is for me. He makes us learn and walk by faith one step at a time. Personal revelation is definitely incremental. I still think that I could be that one per-center. I am not a quitter and I still have some fight in me. Did this happen because I was on the wrong road and I was supposed to change course??? Because this happened I have definitely changed roads. I will see an alternative Dr. tomorrow. I'm still not sure if that is the road I will take but I believe having possibly taken the wrong road this time will help myself and my family know more absolutely that I am now headed for the right road.
If your device shows the video at the top of this post, watching it will hopefully help you understand more clearly what I have posted.
I love this...and I love YOU!!! I'm so grateful for our spiritual heritage and that you are "in tune" to know that our Heavenly Father loves you and knows that you want to look to Him in all things, trusting and believing. I'm grateful for your courage, strength, faith, and example. <3 Keep up the good fight!
ReplyDeleteWe don't always know the twists and turns in the road. Love you!
ReplyDeleteWe grow wiser, one way or the other...but we grow. Press on!
ReplyDeleteYou are blessed and you've done hard things. You continue to be so filled with faith, showing that it grows every day. Keep on keepin' on!
ReplyDeleteMy dear Barbara- Jeffery Holland gave a talk about how he and his son were traveling in the desert and they came to a fork in the road, they prayed about what road they should take. And both felt inspired that they should take one road over the other. They went less than a mile down that road and it came to a dead end. The son asked why they were inspired to take that road- his answer so they would know that was not the right road. I think sometimes the Lord gives us the benefit of going a short way down the wrong road so that we know we should not be on that road. There has to be a lot of peace in knowing that you are finished with chemo. You continue to be in my prayers and I love your courage and faith.
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