Feeling Good

I am doing great and really enjoying the clinic/institute I am going to for several hours three times a week.  The diet plan is still very hard but I am hanging in there with it.  The diet and the supplements are highly nutritious which is the obvious point.  I spoke with two of the people who did therapies on me today.  Both came to the clinic as patients before they worked there.  Neither one had cancer but both had very serious illnesses and gained their health back through the program offered there.  Many people do have cancer and there is much success.  I love the Christian influence.  I am reminded there that forgiveness, service, and devotion to God are a major part of healing.  I have been taught to live in the moment, not the past or the future.  This too will help healing.  Now, if I could just learn to love the seed milk and avocado soup!  I have learned that garlic and avocados have enzymes that block things that contribute to tumor growth.  Rebounding on a mini trampoline is also part of the healing aspect since it is so good for the body in many ways including helping the body create more enzymes to do just what the garlic and avocados do.  I am supposed to work my way up to 20 garlic cloves per day as they consider it "God's Chemo".  Yes, I smell,  and I am only up to 4-5 per day so far.  Again, whatever it takes :):):).

Whatever It Takes

I am stronger every day.  I am taking treatments and supplements from the alternative clinic.  At the clinic they have seen a lot of success.  People come to the clinic from far away sometimes.  I have about a half an hour drive so it was here in my backyard (so to speak) all along.  I feel very blessed.  The idea behind the clinic is that they will help you heal your body so your body can fight the cancer, although it seems to me many of the therapies I am receiving are anti cancer therapies.  I am grateful.  I started their special diet this morning.  Although I know it is very healing it is less fun than even 5 cups of carrot juice daily.  ;) For the next 8 weeks I get "seed milk" made from 5 different kinds of seeds, avocado "soup", and 4 oz of  green juice daily.  Forget insulin, I don't think I will intake a gram of sugar :):):).  I have to say, my first day on this plan has been less than delicious but I will continue to fight the fight.   Whatever it takes:):):).  

Still Twisting and Turning

I am doing very well.  Still gaining strength and stamina.  I walked around the culdesac with the PT today.  I was tired about halfway through and I thought laying down on the couch sounded like a good idea but I made it back home before I laid down :):):).  Twice now the PT has taken me out on my bike and run along beside me since my balance was in question.  I have been able to balance and ride.  It has winded me a little but I have been able to do it!  It's not the 7 miles I'm used to but it is a start!

My time has been filled with DR. appts.  (I know you're sooo jealous!)
I saw an alternative doctor yesterday for the second time and will likely go with one of his year long programs.
 I saw the oncologist today and I think he agreed with my decision to stop the chemo.  I think he knew it is too hard on me.  We were at the oncologist office to get the results of my PET scan that I had on Monday.  The oncologist told me he had good news for me.  Miraculously my PET scan showed NO activity on any tumors!  Usually that only happens with the first round of chemo.  After that the activity is only cut in half by the chemo and then less and less.  My liver tumor was smaller as well.  I know he thinks it was the chemo.  I think it was my natural remedies.   I do think he wants me to prepare myself since he asked if I was ready for Hospice.  Heck no!  I feel good and I am not ready.  I told him I was going to try alternative therapies and still had hope.

I had to abandon my carrot habit.  I am now diabetic and carrots have too much sugar.  I give the carrots credit though for a lot of my well being throughout the last year.  I will start with a whole new diet with the alternative doctor.  There will still be juicing, just not carrots.  Moving forward!

The Right Road

This last incident has convinced me that I will never do chemo again.  I can not tell you how happy that makes me.  I will never have to have those side effects again, well, except for the permanent damage of neuropathy. I will never have to watch poison drip into my body again.  I will never have to fight chemo sores in my mouth again or feel the yucky feeling in my throat one chemo gave me or wear winter gloves to reach into the fridge, or wear and sleep with the chemo pump for 46 hrs straight that delivers a wicked poison to your body, or fight the fatigue or the nausea or watch my hair fall out......

 I really feel that if it was my time to go I would have gone when all this happened.  The question is why did I feel peace when I prayed about doing this last heavier chemo the first part of August? Maybe this was supposed to happen ????? Maybe there was a reason several people at the oncology clinic missed that I was on a downward decline to DKA ?????  In the end too much chemo will kill you.  Most people know that.  Chemo kills off the worker bees but it does not kill off the queen bee..  She (a cancer stem cell herself) gets angry and makes more cancer stem cells when her worker bees are killed off.  Eventually the chemo no longer works and the effects are deadly.   While I was in the hospital we consulted with a wonderful Hospice Doctor.  I asked her what is the difference between dying from chemo and dying from cancer.  Other than the pain people suffer from cancer (I have no pain still) dying from cancer sounds preferable.

 I am still not sure what the Lord's plan is for me.  He makes us learn and walk by faith one step at a time.  Personal revelation is definitely incremental. I still think that I could be that one per-center.  I am not a quitter and I still have some fight in me.   Did this happen because I was on the wrong road and I was supposed to change course???  Because this happened I have definitely changed roads.  I will see an alternative Dr.  tomorrow.  I'm still not sure if that is the road I will take but I believe having possibly taken the wrong road this time will help myself and my family know more absolutely that I am now headed for the right road.

If your device shows the video at the top of this post,  watching it will hopefully help you understand  more clearly what I have posted.

I'm Back!

I'm back and I am gaining strength every day.  I truly believe that I am as strong and alive as I am due to all of you and your faith, fasting, and prayers!  I can never thank you all enough!  We are all so very grateful!   Thank you!!!!!

Our insurance covers home heath care.  That provides me with a two day a week in home Physical Therapy  I really like the Physical Therapist that is coming.  He gave me a list of exercises and said to do them on quiet days.  The days I am able to get out of the house with Dell and do a few things is preferable so I don't have to do the exercises if I do more some days.  I love that!  I mentioned church to him one day.  He said "then you're a believer?"  I said, "absolutely!"  He asked, "Do you mind if I pray for you?"  I said, "I'll take all the prayers I can get."  I wasn't sure if he meant now or later.  He then knelt down on one knee and offered the most beautiful prayer in my behalf.  It was wonderful.

A couple of months ago the TV was on.  I wasn't really watching it so all I heard was Clint Eastwood say, "Heck dyin' is easy, it's livin' that's hard."  I think he may be on to something there.

General Hospital

Adrienne, here, to give you an update on my Mom.  Before you get nervous, she's doing well, but she has asked me to post on her blog, for reasons which will all be apparent soon.

These last rounds of chemo have been very rough on my mom.  Her energy has been zapped and she has been nauseated more than usual, among other things.  I went up to visit with my family with some outings planned, and she was determined to go with us to the zoo to see the dolphins.  We pushed her around in a wheelchair since she has hard a hard time walking even a little, and she had not been steady on her feet.  We were all hoping that the chemo's effects would wear off and she'd be back to normal soon.

The next day she couldn't even get out of bed, her breathing was labored and difficult, and she needed my dad to lift her up just to take a drink of water.  I thought that maybe we had worn her out the day before, but it seemed odd that she was so much worse instead of getting better.  She stayed in bed all day, mostly sleeping, and we had to leave that evening, a little worried but hoping it was just the chemo's effects.

On the way home, I emailed my siblings about how Mom was doing at my dad's request, and I ended up texting back and forth with Jessica, and we thought that maybe my mom was dehydrated and needed to get an IV at the hospital.  I texted my dad, who called an ambulance that night to get her to the hospital.

When they got to the hospital, the doctor quickly gave a diagnosis of Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA), which occurs when the body can't produce insulin, and they found that her blood sugar was almost at 400, despite her hardly being able to eat anything.  She was admitted to the ICU.  They needed to give her insulin but couldn't because she had low potassium, and that needed to be fixed first.  These were life-threatening conditions, but we were glad she was getting the help she needed.

We had been planning a family fast for last Sunday already, and as many of you know, Jessica posted a request on FaceBook for fasting and prayers from friends and family for my mom.  There was such a great outpouring of love and support from so many people that we were overwhelmed with gratitude.  She also was given a priesthood blessing while in the hospital from a friend's husband, and he blessed her that she would be able to resume the things she enjoys and that she and my dad are being watched over by our Father in Heaven.

My mom has been making steady progress to get back to her old self and regain some strength.  She had a CAT scan to make sure there wasn't any brain damage from the DKA, and my dad said they couldn't find a brain!  Ha!  Thankfully, there was no damage, which we were worried about because she had experienced a little memory loss.  The doctors are still trying to balance her insulin levels, electrolytes, etc., but she is doing extremely well and she should be going home from the hospital in a day or two.

We know that the Lord heard our petitions, and it is through His mercy and love that everything is all right.  We are grateful for our parents and the time we have with them and that my mom has been sustained so long.  (It has been almost two years since her diagnosis!)  We hope to have many more years with her!

Carrots!

Chemo today.  My last antigen number showed a drop of 100 points.  That was great news however there was a lot of room to drop since it had jumped to over 600.  Today I should have new numbers.

I have juiced five pounds of carrots every day for more than a year now (with the exception of some days and weeks here and there for various reasons).  Some people claim this carrot protocol has cured their cancer in less than a years

 time.  I really don't doubt them.  It has not cured me but it has undoubtedly made me stronger and possibly slowed my cancer progression. In November it will be 2 years since my diagnosis.  I am still here.  Just in the last week I have noticed that I can't see out of my glasses.  When I take them off I see clearly with the exception of reading which has improved but is not yet perfectly clear.  What?  I think the carrots are improving my eyesight! :):):)  I hope the tumors are next!   :):):)

Still riding, but it seemed harder this week.  Either I am getting more tired or my tires just need pumped up.  Not sure which.    :):):)

Blessed

I am doing well.  At least until I do chemo again this week.  :):)   We had a fun week end.  We made a super quick trip to UT.  We left on Saturday and came home on Sunday.  In that short amount of time we got a baby blessed, a Priesthood ordination done,  lots of loves and hugs, a session with the foot zoner, and a trip to Cafe Rio.  :):)   Earlier last week I really worried that I would not have the stamina for the trip but I did extremely well.   Yay!  Sweet memories.

Zoning the feet helps stimulate the nerves and increase blood flow to the organs connected to the nerves in the feet.  I love this foot zoner.  She used to be a hospice nurse and years ago she cured herself of cancer.  She is so knowledgeable.   I learned from her that the chemo accumulates in the outer extremities because the body is trying to protect the vital organs from the chemo, so, because of the damage and chemo in my feet the whole experience was extremely painful.  After one foot I joked that maybe that was enough, we could skip the other foot.  She thought there was some improvement from my last visit to her in July. This could simply be results from the chemo treatments.

I was able to ride my bike this morning.  I think we ride at least 7 miles.   I can't believe I am able to do these things during this heavy chemo.  I pray it will continue.  I do feel very blessed.  Tired, but blessed. :):):)

Super Chemo #2

Last week I really struggled with whether or not to continue treatments.  I am so worried about the chemo induced neuropathy becoming debilitating.  (Chemo came about from the use of wartime Mustard Gas when it was discovered Mustard Gas helped kill cancer cells.....lovely, huh?)  I prayed and prayed but was so emotional about it that I had a hard time getting an answer.  Finally on Sunday,  I felt peace, and I felt that I should continue treatments for now.  A few days earlier I had concluded that I would just need to ask the doctor a lot of serious questions before making a decision.  (Questions that I really did not want to ask or hear the answers to.)  On Sunday, once I felt that peace, I felt no need to ask him all of the questions.  I had my answer.

I saw the doctor today.  I have mentioned before that he is an extremely kind Middle Eastern man.  I have always loved him.  Today I loved him more..  Dell told him about my "about face" from wanting to quit on Saturday to feeling peace about continuing treatments on Sunday.  The doctor asked me what made the difference.  I told him that it was prayer.  Up until this day I have not been sure if he was a praying man or not.  Today I discovered that he is full of faith and prays morning and night.   I was so grateful to hear him express his belief and faith in a supreme being.

I finished super chemo #2 today.  After round #1 I had my ups and downs but managed to go to lunch with friends a couple of times and even rode my bike several times!  The appetite seems to be intact :):):)    Life is still good!

Hanging in There

It has been a week since I had my "super chemo".  It is definitely harder.  We have the kinks worked out from the first time I had it so the nausea is mostly under control.  My biggest worry is the neuropathy damage.  The treatments are every other week so this has been my off week.  My blood came back to normal ranges without the help of the shot that helps restore white blood cells.. Eventually I will likely have to have the shot as the chemo accumulates and the body gradually bounces back less and less.  It truly is hard to know if it is really worth it.  I am currently doing ok for the record but my antigen numbers are high.   Hanging in there.

Results

I got my PET scan results today.  We had prayed that the doctor would make the right decision for me and that we would know if his decision was the best for me.  I admit I was unusually calm and in control as he explained everything to us.  I accepted what he said.  There is,  for the first time since my Dec 2014 PET scan,  activity on one of the liver tumors.  The tumor in the pancreas has increased slightly in activity.  The doctor recommended I go back on the original 4 chemo drugs.  I have accepted this unwelcome news.  I will likely start next week.  This will be much harder chemo than I have been on since January.  I pray that  I will be able to tolerate it well.  Thank you for your love, support, and prayers.  We have at least one trip planned in the next several months and possibly more.  The doctor is always accommodating and supportive of that. We will see how that goes.

Twists and Turns

I have an adorable new grandson!  No. 17.   I am back from my Utah visit where I saw all my children, most of their spouses, grandchildren and my siblings!  It doesn't get any better than that!  I also got an email that I wasn't expecting with my antigen numbers.  They dropped 132 points!  I went to a very capable and gifted foot zoner in Utah.  (Somewhat like reflexology)  She had quite positive things to say.  I am feeling hopeful.  Monday is my PET scan and Wednesday I get the results.  Hoping for good results!

Not giving Up

I watched a movie the other day where someone proclaimed after he had had a trying time that he did not know just how exhausting having faith can be.  It made me laugh a little even though he was very serious.  I think I laughed because I could totally relate to that but had never thought about it in quite that way.  My antigen numbers have gone up over 300.  I still feel good and am riding my bike as much as I can.  I will be going to Utah for a couple of weeks as Stacy's baby is nearly due but when I return I will have a PET scan to determine if my numbers are a clear indication of tumor progression or not.  My nurse told me that she had a patient whose numbers kept going up but they discovered that was due to a cold she had. Sometimes the numbers are not an accurate indication of what is really happening.   If the PET scan shows tumor progression the Dr. wants to put me on the four heavy drugs I was on originally.  I cried when he told me that.  I will just have to wait and see.  Dell keeps asking me what I'm going to do and I just tell him I don't want to talk about it.  :)

I've Been To Another Planet

Dell loves the 1984 movie The Last Starfighter  It was recently on TV.  I was on the phone with Jessica when I knew our favorite line from the movie was coming up.  I had to ask her to hold on for a minute so I could hear the line because I just think it is so funny.  The boy steps off the spaceship and sees his mom and says, "I've been to another planet ma."  Maybe it is how he says it but I just think it is funny.  I kind of feel like I have been to another planet because I recently had the opportunity to go to Hawaii. That line kept going through my mind while I was there. :):):)  It was kind of like being on another planet. :)  So beautiful.  Dell could not go so my friend Maxine volunteered to go with me.  We met my sister Janice and her husband there.  They initiated the whole adventure.  Just before the trip I had had some serious stomach issues but got them subdued enough to be able to go.  We had a wonderful time.  Dell and I lived there for a year and a half when we were first married.  It was great to go back and each day I felt a little better.  I came back to reality (cancer and chemo).  :(    I am doing pretty well.  I should get antigen numbers this week sometime.  The Dr. said to not be too upset if the numbers go up since I skipped treatments to travel.  We will see.  Life is good.  :)

I'm Still Standin'

When I went for my Dr. appt. on the tenth the nurse had me hooked up for chemo.  I told her, "Oh , no, I'm finished, I'm not here for chemo today."  Long story short.  I was wrong.  The Dr. had every intention of keeping me on for four more months.  I was not prepared for that and in fact resisted a bit but he convinced me the cancer would continue to grow if I did not fight it with the chemo.  He told us that he has a patient with a similar situation as mine who has done continuous treatments for four years and is still alive.  I wondered how damaged her body is from all of those treatments.  In the back of my mind I was determined to fight it with my natural remedies but decided I would just do both.  We did get new antigen numbers this morning and they are down by 95 points.  Yay!

In spite of the chemo and the fatigue, I rode my bike with Maxine yesterday and today for our first of the season rides along the river bike trail.  I am exhausted but it was worth it! I'm still standing'.

Twists and Turns

I had my PET scan this last week and thought I would have to wait until my Dr. appt on the tenth to find out the results.  It turned out the the wonderful nurses did not want to have to make me wait that long to get good news!  Yes, my antigen numbers are still up and even went up 3 additional points but the PET scan showed reduced tumor activity.  I have gone from a 4 to 2.4 in tumor activity since December.  There are no new tumors and activity is only still showing in the pancreas and not the liver.  The scan is what is the real indicator.  I will take good news any way I can get it!  Twists and turns!

Not Giving Up!

In spite of my numbers going up, I still feel pretty good.  I just finished my last chemo in this series. Yay!  I plan to really kick up the natural remedies and begin juicing greens again along with my carrots.  I don't give up easily!

Cancer Does Not Always Play By The Rules

I was sitting in the lobby of the cancer center a few weeks ago and a sweet darling hispanic lady turned to me and asked if chemo makes you really nauseated.  Of course I explained to her that that was totally dependent on which drugs they give you.  She told me she had had a spot on her thigh about 4-5 inches in diameter.  When she finally saw the Dr. about it she was alarmed to hear that it was melanoma.  She continued to explain to me how shocked she was with her diagnosis.  I know, me too.  She said there is no cancer in her family.  Me too.  She said she does not eat poorly nor drink soda.  Me too.  She said she never dreamed she would get cancer.  Me too.  About that time the nurse called for "Gloria" and she got up and left.  I wished Gloria "good luck" and have not seen her since. She had had her melanoma surgically removed and was there that day to start preparing for preventative chemo.  She was scared.  Me too.  Every time.

We had disappointing news while at chemo this morning.  My antigen numbers have tripled in the last month.  We are of course upset.  It is an indication that probably the drug that was helping is the one we had to eliminate because of the allergic reaction.  Just to give it one last chance, I suppose, we will keep me on the drug that does not seem to be working (???????) for the next three weeks (starting today) and after we finish up I will have a PET scan and then we will take it from there.  We pray continually that the oncologist will be inspired to make the right decisions for me, so, because of our prayers for that, we put our trust there.  Pressing forward, whether cancer plays by the rules or not.

Just Updating

I am doing ok,  just a little tired from the chemo.  My cancer antigen had crept up to 115 in February but has dropped 25 points with the chemo, so I am at 90 and hoping to continue downward.  They have eliminated the one drug that they think was causing the allergic reaction so I am only being given one chemo drug.  The oncologist says that if I have a reaction to that one or it doesn't work then the only option will be to put me back on the original chemo.  I hope that does not happen.  Other than the chemo fatigue I am feeling pretty good.  I guess I just get used to the neuropathy although after each treatment it feels like someone switched the neuropathy switch on to high.   I have wonderful family and friends who keep me busy and fill my life.  I am grateful.  I have suspended some natural remedies for now but am still drinking my carrot juice.  :):)  And by the way, the rest of my bloodwork is so stellar and my blood recovers so well from the previous chemo each week that the nurse teased me today and asked if I was REALLY receiving chemo. :):):)

Always Grateful

I am doing well.  Still trying to figure out the allergic reaction.  Cancer antigen has crept up a little.  Hoping the chemo will pull it back down.  As I sometimes read about people who choose not to share their cancer journey with others I have been grateful that I have.  That has put me in a position to feel your love and prayers and support. I could not make this journey alone.  Thank you always.

Back to "Miss Wiggy"

Dell buzzed off what was left of my hair yesterday morning.  It was little traumatic and I shed a few tears.  I remember when we had the flood in 1996.  A lady from our ward stood at the pulpit and said it was natural and even ok to mourn the loss of your "things".  I guess it is ok then to mourn the loss of my hair.  I never really have had long thick lovely hair like some, but it is quite a loss regardless.  During this process it kind of adds insult to injury.  I asked the nurse on Tuesday about the chemo-chill cap I saw on Facebook that helps prevent hair loss in chemo patients. (however, too late for me). She had worked with one patient who had used one and part way through her treatments they had to discontinue using the cap as it was cooling down the entire body to the point that her cancer was no longer being affected by the chemo.  I guess then that I have not really missed out.

I am having my second allergic reaction to one of the two chemo drugs they are giving me this time.
Because I am having my second one this week I think the doctor will conclude that this is not a combination reaction with any natural remedies I am using.  He asked me to suspend all natural remedies until we get his figured out.  I have, and am still having a reaction so I think he will conclude it is simply one of the drugs.  I think he will have to find another solution.  Trials.

Priesthood Power

In the Mormon faith we believe the power of the Priesthood, or authority to act in God's name,  is available to every worthy man.  That means that each home with a practicing husband and father has ready access to Priesthood blessings.  Though this might seem unfamiliar, unusual, or even controversial to some, we Mormons regard it as a priceless gift.  This means that I believe that my husband, son, and sons in law hold and exercise the Priesthood of God.  Their Priesthood lineage can be traced back to Joseph Smith who we believe received that authority from Heavenly messengers.  I have received countless blessings in my life and so many more in the last year.   I have been blessed that I would recover, that I would be restored to health and strength according to my faith, and even that I would maintain a healthy body until the "appointed" day.  One of my daughters was promised in a blessing to comfort her during this difficult time that there would be twists and turns and miracles ( there have been both ). We hope and pray for more miracles!  I realize that all prayers and blessings are according to my faith and the will of the Lord.

Recently Dell and I re-watched the film 17 Miracles.  That film is a true depiction of the Willie-Martin handcart companies comprised of approximately 980 Mormon pioneers from England, Scotland, Wales, and Scandinavia who left Nebraska in August of 1856, much too late in the season, to cross the plains to get to the Salt Lake Valley.  Ultimately about 767 of the 980 people in the two handcart companies survived the trek through hazardous winter conditions, and threats of rattlesnakes and wolves.  One of the 17 recorded miracles was the story of a mother, Elizabeth Cunningham, who was given a Priesthood blessing in Scotland, prior to leaving on the trek.  Elizabeth was promised in the blessing that all of her family would survive the trek and arrive safely in the Salt Lake Valley.  Along the trail she awoke one morning to find her young beautiful 12 year old daughter Betsy frozen on the ground.  The ground was so frozen solid that they could not dig as much as a shallow grave to lay her in.  They laid her frozen body on the ground and covered it with sage brush.  Brokenhearted they had to continue on.  As they sadly walked away the mother remembered the blessing she had been given prior to leaving on the trek.  She frantically called the family back and they began to warm and thaw out Betsy's body.  Betsy Cunningham was revived, made it to the Salt Lake Valley, and eventually had 13 children.  Her miraculous story has been passed on by family members and it can be found on ancestry.org.  The faith of a mother!   My faith is in the making.

www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid----Elizabeth Cunningham

Unexpected Kindness

During the past 13 months I have been the recipient of so much love, support, and good will.  I have received countless cards, flowers, texts, emails, prayers, food, gifts, an afghan, visits, quilts, phone calls, and more.  Today I was the recipient of a hand tied fleece blanket, offered to chemo patients from the church group of the new nurse practitioner.  Strangers to me, yet women filled with a desire to serve and bless others.  I myself have at times been the giver of such service.  I am now on the receiving end. It is touching and meaningful.  Bless you my family, friends, and unknown friends!!! You are loved and greatly appreciated.

Two Down

Two chemos down, not too sure how many to go this time.  I think it will depend on how I do.  These two drugs are less aggressive than the several I received on the last round.  So far I am doing much better on these than I did on the others.  I hope they will still do their job!  Nausea is really at a minimum and fatigue is there but doable.  I am more alert this time since we have the anti nausea meds worked out from before.  I am not as paranoid about germs but still trying to be careful.  My neuropathy has heightened.  I am praying that it will not increase more.  I am feeling much more alive than on the previous round.  I still have hair but it could begin to come out in clumps by next week.  Given the sad and untimely death of Alan Rickman to pancreatic cancer this past week,  I spent the unsleepable wee hours of the morning reading comments on one of the Facebook posts about him.  Comments were mostly about lost loved ones from the disease.  Many indicated a very quick passing from it and yet there were a few hopeful survivor stories.  I am very grateful to have survived this far and have much hope for a longer life.  Mortality is worth fighting for!

The Butterfly

I think we should fight for mortality.  Mortality is often a struggle but there is much to be learned.  It has its mighty purpose and we should fight for it.  I've been reading a lot.  A couple of books I've been reading are about Near Death Experiences.  All of these people's experiences vary somewhat but noteably they also have equal and very similar experiences.  Although the authors commentary does not always agree with the doctrine I believe in, the experiences people have had DO!  All of these people experience a life review including their mortal thoughts and behaviors.  This must be what Alma in the Book of Mormon calls "a bright recollection of all our guilt".  Almost all of the people I have read about, Christian and non Christian alike have met a spiritual being as they have crossed over.  A being so magnificent and full of light and love that the people had no desire to leave that light and love to return to mortality.  Many felt that was the "real" life and mortality was but a shadow.  Almost all agree this beautiful being of light and love was Jesus Christ.  This is so absolutely comforting and confirming to most of us and our faith, hope and scriptural beliefs. I love it, but I still want to fight.  I'm not ready.  There is so much more to learn and to do.

Another book I am reading is called "Embrace, Release, Heal", by Leigh Fortson.  I've never been too big on self-help books but this book is full of insight and great positive ideas for self healing.  Leigh herself after having gone through tremendous pain and cancer trials had an amazing experience when she was at a great low after her third cancer diagnosis.  Gripped with fear and doubt one day she came to a park bench, sat down, and crying she called upon God to help her.  When she opened her eyes she could see ethereal beings as far as the eye could see.  They were there standing and clapping, squatting in trees, and throwing their arms up in the air.  They told her she was supported and loved.  At that point she resolved that she was not alone in her journey to heal.  She made it and survived by following many protocols including eating raw foods and practicing mind-body positive thinking and talk among other things.  From her book she quoted someone named Richard Bach who said this, "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly." And someone named Carlos Castaneda said, "We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong.  The amount of work is the same." Love it!

"Come What May........."

I went to chemo training last week.  I loved the new nurse practitioner, who didn't take much stock in natural remedies,  but told me she certainly did believe in miracles.  I love women of faith!  She told me that statistics prove that people who are prayed over,  whether they know they are being prayed for or not,  do better than people who are not prayed for at all.  I continue to be so very grateful for your prayers! She also told me that whatever choice I make regarding my treatment will always be, 100 percent of the time,  the right choice.  I loved her for that as well.   I will start two new chemo drugs on Tuesday.  I will most likely really lose my hair this time as opposed to it just getting quite thin last time.  Although I got used to wearing a wig from August through November, I find it a little depressing to go back to it since I just started enjoying my hair again.  Eyelashes are sad to lose as well. :(  (The things we take for granted:) Right?)  I am concerned about my neuropathy really getting a lot worse.   Oh well, remember Elder Wirthlin saying, "Come What May, and Love It!"  I'll do my best:):)

A Bump in the Road

I had my PET scan this week.  I thought that if I could make it through that test with no signs of tumor activity I would have hit a milestone.  (Six months with no treatment and the surgeon said that was as long as I would live without treatment.)  Since I have felt so good I didn't think my scan could be too bad but I was worried about it.  The scan showed no activity in the 2 tumors in the liver which really is great but the tumor in the pancreas and a lymph node outside of the pancreas showed a slight recurrence of activity.  My cancer antigen has increased from 54 to 90.  These results, of course, are disappointing.  The oncologist wants to put me back on chemo as soon as possible to "zap" it he says.  It would be different chemo with different side effects.  That is somewhat depressing as I look back on the previous 6 months of chemo as a dark and difficult time.  I told the oncologist I wanted some time to think and pray about it.  I will need to make a decision by Monday.  I will try to continue with my alternative remedies as much as I can (I truly believe the carrot juice and frankincense essential oil are responsible for my good health), although I will most likely regrettably choose the chemo.