Angels Among Us

Of course there are you mortal angels, and then there are heavenly angels.  No, I haven't seen any, heavenly angels, that is.  I do believe, however, that there are times I have felt them.  Yesterday I received a precious gift in the mail from Jessica.  It was a collection of quotes and scriptural references about just that.  Heavenly angels.  I am a believer and I loved all of the quotations.  Accompanying the quotes was a beautiful little bracelet with tiny squares of pictures of my parents, grandparents, and great grandparents.  Last night I did not want to take it off but I knew it would not make it through the shower.  :)

I believe that it is true that the Lord would and does send our loved ones who have passed on to visit us, love us, sometimes warn and administer to our wants. From the quotes I was reminded that Biblically we learn that ancient prophets who had passed on were the ones who came to administer to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and even the Savior. Jeffrey Holland says that (2 Kings 6:16-17)" if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at a reckless speed to come to our protection."  Oh how blessed we are without even realizing it.  Grateful.

Hide and Seek

Anxiety is on the decrease.  Thank heavens, since that is the worst!  Before I had a bit of a relapse yesterday, Saturday I played "Hide and Seek" briefly with a delightful Greta.  I had visions of chemo being constant nausea, fatigue, chills, and anxiety.  Not entirely.  In fact I even asked one nurse if chemo could kill me. :) You might say I was a little worried. :) I have my good moments and although they may sometimes be brief, who would have thought I'd be playing hide and seek with a giggling little bundle hiding under a blanket.  Thank you Greta!

"Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men"

Christmas Day at our house was joyful.   Talking to all of our children and grandchildren either in person or on face time brought us all the joy we needed!  Happy ! Happy!  Love them so very much!  In addition to that,  I have never experienced this much "good will" in all my life.  You people are incredible, Christ-like, and full of charity!  The words "good will" have taken on new and deeper meaning to me.  I will never again think of those words in a light context.  The cards, visits, treats, things left of the door step....it goes on and on.  A friend from my work place wanted to drop by a "little something".   She showed up with a huge beautifully wrapped box.  :)  I had't expected that at all.   Should I open it or save if for Christmas?  She suggested I wait to open it.  Dell and I had chosen this year not to exchange gifts.  We draw names with our kids so there really wasn't anything under the tree for us to open.  We were feeling ok with that.  I put her large beautifully wrapped box under the tree and it waited there for Christmas morning .   Another beautiful hug!  By that I mean an afghan!  I love it Theresa!  As if that was not enough the box contained a collection from almost 20 or so co-workers.  It made me so emotional that it took me hours before I could look at that gift and read the kind words from so many.  Amazing people.  I love and thank you!

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

Hands and Hugs

I love each of my children's spouses.  They are each one just perfect for the one they married.  I have 3 sons in law and only one daughter in law.  If we could pick one daughter in law in all the world we would pick the one we have.  Lovely she is.   (That's how Yoda would say it).  She quickly put together the idea for a quilt for Mumsie.  She had all of the grandchildren make handprints and they were sewn together in a beautiful red and white and navy quilt for Mumsie.  It arrived just in time to wrap around Mumsie for 15 little hands and hugs.  Thank you Erin! I love it!

I Can Do Hard Things

It was a rough week-end.  I still feel rough but think I'm improving.  We will get this figured out.  Just ate a half of an apple. Progress.  There has been a lot of anxiety associated with the drugs.  More drugs to try to remedy that.  Is it possible I could just be pregnant? Ha! (Now that would be anxiety!) The Christmas miracle! Ha!  No, I think we're back to just Chemo.  I Can Do Hard Things!

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

One treatment down, eleven to go!  Feeling a little shaky, keeping the nausea at bay so far.  Full effects hit at 48 hours so though I can function today we will see what tomorrow will bring.  Thank you for your love and prayers.  There have been many tears shed on my behalf, including mine :):).  There have also been funny stories that have brought laughter with tears.  We like those best.  Laughter is the best medicine.  Thanks for caring!

Let the Games Begin

Chemo training went well.  The nurse was wonderful and somewhat hopeful about survival and surviving chemo (more of an immediate worry to me actually :):):)  I will start chemo on Wednesday and it will be several hours at the cancer center at Mercy and then home.  Dell can go with me.  They give you a lot of anti nausea drugs to combat the nausea so she felt my biggest trial will be fatigue.   I am scheduled to have 12 treatments in a 6 month period.   I will start this Wednesday barring any unforeseen illnesses.  

"Port" Wenn

The port is in.  You will only understand the following if you are a Doc Martin fan.  Adrienne told me today that she and James think I should name my port, "Port Wenn".  That made me laugh pretty hard.  I told her that my "cronies" were trying to come up with names for my tumors. She suggested we stay with a Doc Martin theme and could call them "Bert Large" and "Mrs. Tishell".  I sort of think those fit.  :)  Funny girl!

Christmas With the "Cronies"

I served for five years in the stake Relief Society with some of the most wonderful women. They have become lifetime friends.  Adrienne calls them my "cronies".  Every year during the holidays we meet for lunch at the same fancy restaurant that is all "decked out" for Christmas.  We have lunch and exchange fun gifts.  I didn't think I would make it this year but as things have turned out we were able to get together today.  What a wonderful afternoon with dear friends!  Thank you Dianne, Kandy, and Tam!  Uplifting!

Im "port"ant

Tomorrow the chemo "port" goes in.  Your prayers give me such comfort.  Thank you my dear family and friends!

The "Evil Eye"

A friend gave me the "evil eye".  Let me explain.  We missed a trip to Turkey and Greece because  I started to get sick with all of this.  Terrible timing. Apparently in Greece you can find
the "evil eye" everywhere.  She brought me one.  It is a quarter sized blue glass with an eye inside on a string. Well, not a "real" eye mind you.  In Greece they believe it will ward off evil.  We prefer to think of it as the all-seeing eye.  I like that best. I hung it so that I can see it from my bed.   It reminds me of this Old Testament scripture that Adrienne brought to my attention some time ago.  I love that!!

2 Chronicles 16:9

 For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him. 

Miss Wiggy

Dell bought me a wig.  Just planning ahead you know.  I will call her "Miss Wiggy".  I'm sure she will become a very good friend. :):)

Three Amigos

Yesterday was such a great day.  Three dear friends visited me.  One after another!  It was uplifting and great!  Thank you Pam, Judy, and Joan!

The Very Air

In our prayer this morning Dell thanked the Lord for the very air we breathe.  That struck me.  It made me reflect on how very dependent on the Lord we are for truly everything.  I love that he expressed gratitude for that.

Proverbs 3:5  “trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not
unto thine own understanding.” 

The Calm Before the Storm

Several people want to visit.  Thank you!  I welcome your love and your visits!  Yesterday a dear friend picked me up and we went to lunch and shopping.  It felt great to be normal. No tests or needles.   I tried not to talk too much about tumors :):).  We did manage to talk about grandchildren and other things.  It felt good.  We laughed a lot.  That felt even better.  Thank you Maxine!!!!

On Becoming Whole

My daughter Jessica sent me a gratitude journal.  It was accompanied with a note card containing this message from the scripture story of the 10 lepers:  "And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God, and fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks and he was a Samaritan.  And Jesus answering said, "Were there not ten cleansed but where are the nine?"  There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.  And he said unto him, "Arise, go thy way, thy faith hath made thee whole."  Jessica then taught me that Christ makes a point of the difference between healing and wholeness.  All ten were healed.  Only one was made whole.  It was his own actions that brought about his "wholeness".   1)  Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and  2)  Gratitude---particularly the expression of gratitude.   Thank you Jessica!!!!!!

Food for Thought

I have been thinking a lot about this scripture that I posted previously on "My Sheep Hear My Voice":
"For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole."  (Job 5:18)

Not Nice.....But Funny!

Adrienne, James, and Greta drove up for Thanksgiving.  Stacy flew in with baby Phillip.  It was a wonderful holiday.  I loved just being with them all.  Dell was holding baby Phillip one day and rubbing his little bald head.  He said, "Just think Phillip, in about a month,  you'll have more
hair than Mumsie!"

                                                 Laughter IS the best medicine!!! :)

Half Sorrow

The email I sent out on November 21st was forwarded to our stake president who in turn replied with a loving and kind email.  In his note he shared a favorite German saying:  "Shared joy is double joy, shared sorrow is half sorrow."  I loved that.  Thank you President Peterson!

Dumb Cancer

It is probably a good sign that I am not yet really sick from the cancer.  I do however have a few symptoms.  One of them is very dry lips and some swelling above them.  Sort of a botox look...or..more like pancreatic cancer look,  uuuugggghhhh!  I think I have some swelling and inflammation in the chest but it seems to come and go.  I have some nausea from time to time as well.  Other than that I am able to carry on with my life until chemo starts.  I did have to take a leave of absence this week from my work place of 20+ years.  That was hard.  Dumb cancer.

Charity Is The Pure Love of Christ

So many people are fasting and praying for me.  I am so grateful.  One of my daughter's mother in law has a friend I met only once.  That friend called 20 temples and put my family's name on the temple prayer rolls.  Twenty temples!!!!  I cried.  Dell asked if I wanted him to tell people to quit doing kind things so I can stop crying.  No :).  People have donated money and airline miles so my girls can come to help.  More crying.  The sister missionaries put sticky notes all over my front window.  Messages from prophets and scriptures.  You can't get better messages than that.  A dear friend brought a beautiful plant  and one brought me fruit.  Someone left a gift bag on my front door.  It was a quilt made by a few sisters in my ward.  The quilt had the names of all 15 of our grandchildren embossed on it so when I want to feel close to them I can curl up with that quilt.  More tears!

I continue to receive loving and kind texts, emails, phone calls, visits, and notes.  I am so grateful for each and every one!  All of these things mean the world to me.

Thank you my dear family & friends!!!!!!

You all are AMAZING people!!!!

My Eternal Companion

I love you Dell, my eternal companion.  Thank you for a wonderful life and for being at my side through this difficult journey.  May you have the health and strength to endure this with me.
                                                                      Grateful.

Families Are Forever

I have 4 AMAZING and wonderful grown children.  They are fasting and praying for me.  They are my pride and joy along with their spouses and children, our 15 grandchildren.  They lift me.  I love them individually and collectively. They will each sometime in the coming months leave their families and come to help. They are my life.  Thank you my amazing children!!!

Tender Mercies

Dell needs shoulder surgery.  He has had to postpone it now because I have to have chemo. He randomly picked up (or was it so random) some "remedy" at the store and has been taking it.  His shoulder has improved a lot!!  Tender Mercy #1

#2  After my biopsy of the pancreas my pancreas was so inflamed I was miserable.  Many nights in a row I asked for a husbands blessing.  Each time the symptoms subsided and I was able to go to sleep.

Thank you Priesthood Power!

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

The Only Snake I Will Ever Love

I hate snakes.  My sister went to China in November.  She sent me a stamp with a snake on the top of it and my name in English and Chinese on the stamp.  She emailed a long list of snake characteristics, according to the Chinese.  I told her the snake will remind me to FIGHT for my life.  I think I like this one (and only) snake.  Thank you Janice!!!!

The Battle

Dec. 3,  2014

Dell told me yesterday that he wishes it were him instead of me.  Of course I cried.  We were in the car and he was driving.  I reached for and held his hand.  He does not want to see me suffer.  I told him later, "do not think of it as suffering (chemo), think of it as FIGHTING."

Revelation Is Incremental

Sunday Oct. 4th----General Conference Week-End

It was hard for me to concentrate on General Conference this time.  I had received some news on a Medical Ultra Sound I had recently had.  Yes, confirmed,  I had gallstones and would most likely need surgery soon to remove the gall bladder.  A little more ominous was the report that something was showing up on the liver.  Time for a blessing.  One should not be unhappy with a priesthood blessing.  I was trying hard not to be but was somewhat frustrated that no surgery or surgeon was mentioned in the blessing.  I was simply blessed that I would "Recover".  Recover?  Recover from what?  I had an ominous feeling that something lay ahead that yes, would be long and hard and need recovering from.   No one wants a feeling like that. I tried to dismiss it.  I prayed that night that I would be able to understand that blessing.  It came to me as I lay in bed that night... the thought that there would be no surgery.  No surgery?  Ok.  That must be why it wasn't mentioned.  To this date there has been no surgery.  Revelation is incremental.  Nearly 2 months later with many tests and results behind me, I finally understand,  "You will recover".  Having been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer that has spread to the liver, I now understand.  I hang on the words of that blessing now.  "You will recover."  Lesson learned.
Thank you Heavenly Father!  Thank you Dell!

Things Have Changed

                              Email sent November 21, 2014

My dearest friends,

As most of you are aware I have been struggling with some health issues the last couple of months.  I can not begin to thank you enough for your love and prayers in my behalf.  It is during times like this that we seem to find ourselves helpless and yet I sincerely feel that the greatest service one can give is that of prayer.  It is deeply touching to me to know that so may are bowing and kneeling in prayer in my behalf.  My name has been entered on the rolls of the temple by many of you.  I love you and thank you for that.

We have received some very unwelcome news.  I have been diagnosed with stage 4 liver/pancreatic cancer.  Though this would seem like a death sentence, there is some hope.  I had been referred to a wonderful surgeon in Chicago and Dell and I both feel that it is not an accident that I ended up with this particular surgeon.  This doctor told me that most doctors would tell me there is nothing they can do.  With that mindset and general medical procedures I could live 1 1/2-2 years.  This doctor has had a patient with a situation similar to mine who has now been cancer free for 4 years.  He would like me to follow the same protocol as that patient.  He would like me to find an oncologist who will pursue aggressive chemotherapy for the next 3-5 months. At that point if the tumors have shrunk, he will surgically clean out what is left.  I have to be willing to fight.  I hope that I have that fight in me.

The wonderful nurse practitioner got right in my face and told me to remember that I am not this cancer.  That is not who I am.  I am a wife and and mother and a grandmother and I need to not dwell on this but to get on with my life enjoying the good days as much as I can.  I will try to hold to this great advice.  

Please forgive me for sending a group email to so many of you who are so individually loved and important to us.  It is difficult enough to write this one email let alone so many individual emails.  I hope you understand.  Please know that you are each one so loved by Dell and I and if I could send separate emails at this time I certainly would.  We know that you are together with us on this difficult journey and we love you for that.

With the holiday season approaching please know that Dell and I feel we have so much to be grateful for regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in. We are so grateful to celebrate the gift of the Savior of the world this season. We are grateful for His atoning sacrifice and for the blessings of eternal marriage and eternal families.  We hope you will join us in celebrating these upcoming holidays with great joy and gratitude.

We are so grateful for your friendship, love, and support.

All our love,

Barbara & Dell